im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
This house was built for laser tag.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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