I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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