i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
