My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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