I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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