Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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