party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
