god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
