when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
