Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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