He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
