Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
