Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
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Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
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When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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