I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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