He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
