I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
