my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
