I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
