Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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