this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
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On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
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HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Couch. On fire.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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