this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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