I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
