wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
