he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just blew my weed a kiss
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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