i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
