Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Randomize
