I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
