paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
