and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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