hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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