I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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