Dude my mom stole all your condoms
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
