this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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