i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
