she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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