My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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