Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
