I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
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So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
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