please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
