can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
