Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
