I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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