Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
