why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
