i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
