I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
