Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
