im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
