I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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