you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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