he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
