Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
The best revenge is premature balding
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
