I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
