in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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