I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
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Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
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Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.