The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music