I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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