Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
