so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
