i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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